Sunday, September 24, 2017

When You Have To Choose

November 2016 adalah bulan terakhir saya menjalani masa klinik sebagai co-assisstant doctor, sambil menunggu dan mempersiapkan Ujian Kompetensi Dokter Indonesia (UKDI) yang saya jalani pada Februari 2017, saya menghabiskan 1-2 bulan merenungi langkah yang akan saya ambil satu hingga lima tahun ke depan, yang juga menentukan langkah saya di tiga hingga enam bulan setelah UKDI. Akhirnya setelah perenungan yang cukup panjang, saya memutuskan akan melanjutkan jenjang pendidikan master, bukan dokter spesialis. Cita-cita saya, saya ingin melanjutkan ke sebuah sekolah di kota yang sangat saya sukai 2 tahun dari sekarang. Dan cita-cita inilah yang mengantarkan saya ke perjalanan persiapan S2 yang saya jalani 6 bulan belakangan.

Dengan cita-cita ini, pertanyaan yang paling sering saya dapatkan adalah: Kenapa?

Kenapa memilih lanjut ke magister, bukan spesialis?
Setelah menjalani 5,5 tahun pendidikan sekolah kedokteran, saya menyadari bahwa ternyata saya tidak terlalu nyaman bekerja di rumah sakit. Saya suka, sangat suka, menjadi dokter, tapi rasanya saya tidak menjadi diri saya yang sesungguhnya, tidak mengeluarkan seluruh potensi yang saya punya kalau menjadi dokter klinisi, saya ternyata lebih suka bekerja sebagai struktural dibanding fungsional. Lebih suka kerja kantoran dibanding kerja di rumah sakit. Dan rasanya, tidak ingin menghabiskan masa tua saya jaga di rumah sakit. Saya pun sadar, kalau memang bukan dari dalam hati, pasti ada jalan lain yang bisa dijadikan pilihan.

Kenapa menyia-nyiakan ilmu yang sudah dipelajari sekian lama?
This is the most common question that I got. I don't think that I'm wasting my time nor my knowledge. Begini, ada masa dimana kita sebagai manusia ingin mempelajari dan mencoba banyak hal, ingin memenuhi rasa penasaran dan tantangan dari diri sendiri, dan ada juga masa dimana kita ingin memilih yang terbaik untuk diri sendiri, selama pilihan itu ada. Saya pun memilih untuk sekolah kedokteran atas keinginan saya dan orang tua, dan akhirnya saya menyadari kalau ini bukan keinginan terbesar saya. Ya saya tetap memberikan yang terbaik sampai akhirnya lulus, tapi selalu ada keinginan untuk mengakhiri ini sesegera mungkin entah bagaimana. Dan saya pun berusaha tetap menggabungkan ketertarikan saya di dunia komunikasi dan pemerintahan dengan pendidikan saya di dunia kedokteran, jadi tidak ada yang disia-siakan dalam pilihan saya.

Kenapa menyia-nyiakan kesempatan menolong orang?
I'm sure that helping people has various ways. Saya memilih tidak menolong orang secara langsung di IGD, menyelematkan nyawa secara langsung, satu hingga puluhan nyawa setiap harinya, saya ingin menolong orang dengan cara yang berbeda. Saya ingin menjadi bagian dari pembentuk kebijakan, melakukan perubahan dan menolong orang tidak secara langsung tapi tetap memberikan dampak untuk kesehatan dan hajat hidup orang banyak lewat kebijakan kesehatan yang strategis.

Finally, those questions never got me to change my decision, my career direction is already made up and I'm glad I did it, I found my way already. It's not easy to tell people is this the right way to take after all the journey I had. Meanwhile... I'm glad I did it. I ever told my friend that, “Telling people that you’re not going to be a physician is like coming out to a conservative family that you’re a homophobic, that’s really hard.” I was easily being judged, people were easily triggered to contradict my statement. But not with my mom, she always supports me for everything I take, I plan, and I dream. As long as it's a good deed and bring me to a better person.

I believe that it's always not easy to be different. Moreover, it's not easy to tell people that we are different. But as long as you're sure that you are on the right track, keep going on. Keep pursuing things you've dreamed, and always believe that God will always lead your way.  I'm also still finding out whether this is the best way for me or not, but I thank god He guided me this far to what I am now.

Thursday, September 07, 2017

Exit Plan

One day, my friend asked me something that is not easy to be answered,

"Do you want to marry a man who doesn't really love you but ready to spend the whole life with you?"

And I answered...

"For me, marriage is an exit plan of my whole family life, and I won't start marriage without love from my spouse. Like... I don't want to start a thing that should be fulfilled with love, without love as foundation of everything. I still believe that love can do so much things. So yeah, the answer is NO, I'd rather wait for another person who really love me than spending my whole life to a person who doesn't love me."

And I was surprised with my answer. But yeah, thats true.

I believe that every family is somehow broken, some are in damage, so does my family. Since my dad left this whole world, the only person whom I can count as family is my mother, the only reason of my existence. Having my own family is something that I’ve been waiting for and also my exit plan of this broken or damage family life that I had now. And love is the glue, something that connect people. I wish that whenever my future family at the broken or damage state, I know that love is the only thing that can save the family, save the people.

Well at least until now, this is what I got. What do you think, though?

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Most Important Event

Earlier this morning I did my final test on TOEFL iBT Preparation Course, and the writing section asked me to write one of the most important events have taken place in last 100 years in less than 300 words only in 30 minutes. So this is what I wrote.


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I know that there are lot of important events that happened in last 100 years, but I believe that my graduation (February 19th, 2017) and Hippocratic Oath (April 13th, 2017) are the most important events in my last 23 years of life. Because they are my life turning point to whoever I became now.

Before I officialy graduated, I have 3 free months after my clinical year ended on November. I prepared for my graduation, my national examination and also did contemplation about my future. I took a long period to think and decide my next plans, whether to work as a medical doctor at a hospital, to take graduate school, or to take internship at certain hospital as initial step to take specialistic school. Finally I decided to take master degree in the next 2 years from now on.

Graduation and Hippocratic Oath are the points when I realize that by those time, I have my own responsibility about myself, more than previous one. Because I already graduated and sworn to be a medical doctor, a professional one, it is a huge responsibility to serve people with noble values, pure heart, and good attitude. It was the time when I realize that I as person have already became someone whom I never thought before, and I proud of myself.



It was also a time where I realize that I have to achieve certain level of settlement for myself, my family, and also my future family. I should be started to work, earn money, and pay my own bills. I should not asked for my parent's money anymore. At first it hooked me in the face that life has flew this far, but I'm grateful.

Monday, June 12, 2017

"I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." - Notting Hill